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What Depression Feels Like For Me

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I've literally sat and stared at a blank document for ages. Flippin’ ages. It is so hard to say what I want to say just through writing stuff down, when I could sit and rant for ages about how horrible depression and anxiety is and how mental health services in this country are a joke.


I wish that I could tell you that mental health problems don’t exist. I really wish that that was true. Life would be so much better for everyone if they didn’t exist, especially those who have to live with them. Obviously.  I don’t know why life likes to make me miserable, I thought life was meant to be enjoyed!  And not meant to be spent in bed for days on end crying for no apparent reason and wishing that you were dead.


See, the problem with my depression is that it makes me feel that nobody wants me, that I’m a burden unto my friends and family. It makes me wish that I was never born and that I could just disappear and let everyone else get on with their own lives. The worst part for me is that I get attached to people so easily. I want to feel needed and loved but as soon as anyone is there for me, my good pals anxiety and depression decide to tell me how annoying and worthless I am and that I should go away for good. Even though I so desperately want to feel wanted and have people there to support me. It’s like there is a constant battle in my brain where part of me wants to be surrounded by happiness and all things positive but the other part believe that I am clingy and horrible and that no one wants me around because I get in the way.


Sure, sometimes we all can be annoying or whatever, but that's the point, isn’t everyone? Yet I can’t seem to think about it with any form of logic or reasoning. I just sit there in the dark, alone and crying. My brain is my own worst enemy and it sucks because I know what I need and what I want but I won’t let me have it for some bizarre reason. But usually I believe that reason to be that I am not good enough and the world would be a much better place if I was dead. Then people wouldn’t have to worry about me all of the time, they would be able to get on with their lives and not have to worry if I am okay.


Depression and anxiety are different for everyone. I just wanted to give you a small glimpse into what it is like for me. Please, if you are struggling with your mental health, go and talk to someone. Even if you just tell a friend, they will be there for you and that is the best thing ever. Knowing that there is someone who cares even when you are at your lowest point. It really makes a difference. So let’s not sweep mental health issues under the carpet, let’s raise awareness and make it easier for people struggling to access help.


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